What He Wishes You Knew About ADHD | ADHD Parent Coach
One of my favorite things to do is to have conversations with young adults, teenagers, and older kids about their experiences with ADHD. Not only is it just plain interesting, but it also helps me to understand aspects of their ADHD that may be different from mine.
We often end up on a conversation about what they wish their parents and teachers and knew about living ADHD. Sometimes it is things that they wish someone would have done differently. Sometimes it is things they learned from that one helpful adult or friend. But most often it is just that they wish someone would have taken the time to try and see things from their unique perspective.
Here are a few of the things that your child wishes you knew about living with ADHD.
“Trying Harder” Doesn’t work
It’s a random Tuesday. Your daughter comes home from school and tells you that she had a really good day. She only got corrected a few times during class, remembered to bring home all of her homework and did her chores easily with no complaining. But the very next day you get a note from school telling you that she wasn’t paying attention at all today and couldn’t complete her classwork. And not only did she forget to bring home that uncompleted classwork, she also forgot to bring home the book she needs to study for her history test the next day. You send her to clean her room just to go in an hour later to see that not only has she not started, but she has pile of papers surrounding her and is busy working on a new craft project.
Instead of yelling or punishing you decide to just talk to her. The summary of your conversation is some form of “You did so well yesterday. I know you can do it. Tomorrow just try harder.”
One of the most frustrating things about ADHD is how inconsistent it can be. One day, the stars (and dopamine) align and everything is fantastic! And the next day, even though there doesn’t seem to be anything different, is the complete opposite. For whatever reason, their nervous system is just reacting differently.
Believe me, if all it took was “trying harder”, they would do it. In fact, on those off days they are working harder than you can imagine. And as frustrated as you, they are 10 times more frustrated with themselves. And the harder they try the worse things get. Now they are even more distracted by how terrible they feel about themselves.
So, how can you help? Just let them know that you understand. Everyone as bad days and it is perfectly normal. Today you will help them when you can and encourage them to keep going. It will all be ok.
My behavior is a form of communication
I know that you understand the fidgeting, bouncing, and watching TV upside down is just part of his diagnosis. But what about the other stuff?
The constant arguing, the outbursts, slamming doors and meltdowns are also part of the journey. Emotional regulation is hard for the ADHD brain. But did you also know that they have a hard time verbalizing what they are feeling as well?
All kids, but especially those with this type of nervous system, often have a hard time telling you how they are feeling, what they need or even that they had a bad day. So they will express these things with how they act. They aren’t doing things on purpose to make your life difficult. They are frustrated and don’t know how to tell you what they need.
Next time is acting out, take a few minutes to calm your own emotions then talk to him. Ask him questions. He is trying to tell you what he needs. Sometimes we just need to learn a new way to listen.
“Fitting in” and making friends is hard
From a very young age your child will realize that other kids act differently from them. And other kids will notice that your child does things differently too.
And just like you, other kids get impatient and aggravated with some of the things your kid does. The girl next to him will get tired of lending him pencils every day. Her sister will get angry she is constantly interrupting when she is talking. They may not get picked for the team during recess because the other kids don’t have the patience for the kid that is constantly kicking the ground rather than being ready for the ball.
As you kid gets older you may notice that she or he is constantly “trying on” different personalities. Although it is normal for kids to experiment with learning new things and change pretty often, kids with ADHD are at a higher risk of something called “Masking”.
The find a role – the rebel, the class clown, the know-it-all, the perfectionist – that seems to make finding friends easier. The problem is that they come to rely on the mask as a way to hide who they truly are. Over time, this mask becomes a more permanent part of who they think they are. But the reality of hiding behind the mask means that they lose touch with who they are, what they like and what they want to do. This disconnection has a strong connection to your child developing depression or other problems.
One way you can help is to show them how to take the pressure off of themselves when it comes to friends. When he says, “No body likes me. I am the only one with no friends.”, instead of countering with “Of course people like you. You remember playing with ______?” try a different approach. You can say something like “Give yourself time. Eventually you will find the friends that are perfect for you. It is better to have a small group of true friends than a large group that you can’t count on.”
As parents it is easy to get caught up with all of our obligations and responsibilities. Often, without meaning to, our kids get added as one more thing on our never-ending To Do List. Taking time to see the world through their eyes is not something we do on a regular basis.
I encourage you to get curious about how your children experience the world. Especially if they have something like ADHD. Ask them questions with no agenda and no assumptions. Just listen to their answers. Not only will you learn something new and helpful about your child, you may learn a thing or 2 about yourself too!
P.S. Interested in hearing more? Check out my YouTube channel to watch a couple of interviews I did with 2 college students about what their life is like with ADHD.
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