ADHD Related Sleep Issues | ADHD Parent Coach

It is time to go to sleep and your son takes FOREVER to get his teeth brushed. Now he it is 30 minutes past his bedtime. Your daughter falls asleep easily, but you hear her up and about several times per night. Your kid is 9 and still can’t fall asleep without you in the room or holding your hand.

I promise, you aren’t alone. It is estimated that about 70% of kids with ADHD-based nervous systems have difficulty with sleep. Some fight going to bed. Others go to bed just fine but can’t fall asleep. One of my sons had to have someone sitting in his room in order to fall asleep. And my other son rarely slept through the night. Between sleepwalking, nightmares or just waking up I didn’t think he would every sleep through the night. Most nights, I would give in and just let him sleep with me just so we could both get some sleep.

And despite what it may feel like in the moment, your child isn’t doing this on purpose. It isn’t a form of being rebellious. Sleep doesn’t come as easy to their brains. Here is what actually may be going on and a few ideas of what you can do to help you (and them) get some sleep.

Lays in bed but can’t fall asleep

Despite popular ideas, ADHD isn’t an inability to pay attention. It is an over-abundance of attention. ADHD brains focus on everything around them all the time. That is why concentrating can be hard. At night, when the world quiets down there isn’t anything happening to catch their attention, they focus on their own thoughts. This is especially true for kids that have anxiety as well as ADHD. Their racing minds go over things that happened during the day or what they want to do the next day. They may be worrying about something they did or said that got them in trouble at school or worrying about whether or not they hurt a friend’s feelings.

One thing that can help is to start minimizing distractions well before it is time to go to bed. This means turn off screens at least 60 minutes before bedtime. That includes phones and video games as well as TV. Then you can offer more calming activities to help them use up that mental energy prior to bed. I usually give my son a choice. He can read (or I read to him), write or draw. It is a great way for him to clean up his racing mind and give his nervous system an opportunity to relax which he can’t do with the movement, lights and sounds on a screen.

In our house, noise carries. This means that we have to take a break from screens and quiet down too. It is actually a great way for me to sit quietly and catch up on things like grocery lists, the next day’s schedule or for me to get in some reading time too!

Falls asleep, but doesn’t stay asleep

It is not uncommon for children with and ADHD-based nervous system to sleepwalk or have nightmares or wet the bed. And it is also common for them to just wake up in the middle of the night. Although it is being researched, no one really understands why this happens.

Of course, when my sons were struggling with some of these issues, I was also not getting sleep. One phrase I needed to repeat to myself almost constant was “Compassion not Criticism”.

These were issues that were not in his control. Even the waking up in the middle of the night was not his fault. It wasn’t like he was setting an alarm to wake himself up at 1 am.

Getting angry and forcing him, often in tears, back to his bed only made things worse. Now, not only was he awake when he didn’t want to be, but he had added shame, guilt and fear. This was not a recipe for getting the sleep he needed.

What did work? A deep breath, some compassion and a few minutes. For us, it looked like telling him that I understood it wasn’t his fault. Then I would find out if there was anything wrong. If he was scared or had a bad dream, I would hear him out and provide the comfort I could. If nothing was wrong, I offered him some water, walked him back to bed, kissed his forehead and assured him that he was safe to go back to sleep.

This wasn’t an instant fix. It took some time for him to understand that waking up at night didn’t have to be scary. Eventually, he quit coming to wake me up when he woke up. And now he sleeps through most nights. He still wakes up occasionally, but he can comfort himself and goes back to sleep quickly.

Fights and/or procrastinates bedtime

He begs for 10 more minutes of TV. She gets distracted brushing her teeth. He needs “just one more” story or his 3rd glass of water.

Next thing you know, it is 30 minutes past bedtime before your child is in bed and will be much later before he/she falls asleep. And all you can do is worry how hard it will to get everyone moving and out of the door in time in the morning.

Many factors contribute to this kind of bedtime resistance. The first is that they may be viewing bedtime as just another “have to”. Like a chore. No one likes to be forced to do things that they don’t want to. So, it may be just a form wanting some control over their own lives.

For other kiddos, delaying bedtime is a way of delaying the next day. This is especially true if they are having problems with friends or teachers at school. The sooner they go to sleep, the sooner the next day starts. So they do everything they can to delay the start of the next morning. It is formally called “revenge bedtime procrastination”. I just call it dread.

So, what can you do? Start talking about bedtime well before it is time to actually start. And put as much as you can under their control. Ask questions about what they would prefer. What do you want to watch before bedtime? What book do you want to read tonight? I heard this cool song/station the other day. Do you want to listen to it before you go to sleep? This takes the “have to” out of the bedtime routine and gives them the control they may need.

You if you feel they are dreading the next day, you can reassure them. Have conversations about something positive that will happen the next day. My son liked count downs. “Today is Wednesday, only 2 more wake ups after tomorrow until the weekend.” You can also use the quiet time before bed to give them an opportunity to talk about specific things that may be bothering them. Often, just knowing that you are willing to listen will calm them down enough to get to sleep.

A few other things to consider

You know that exercise is important for everyone. But, for someone with an ADHD-based nervous system it is essential. Aside from the general health benefits, it helps concentration, bleeds off those stress chemicals that are floating around and will help with sleep. Many of the parents I talk to use simple breathing exercises and meditations to help their children get ready for sleep. There are also numerous “white noise” apps and devices available which can be calming.

I know there are tons of resources out there about kids and sleep. And those recommendations work great when they are dealing with averaging the healthy amounts of sleep a child needs at a given age. But not everyone is the same. Just because the expert says that kids, ages 7 -10 need at least 9 hours of sleep doesn’t mean that is right for your child. Some people just require less (or more) sleep than average. Don’t get caught up in all of the “Should’s” out there.

And just a something to consider as your child gets older.

My middle son was very into creating things with clay as a child and he was pretty good at. As he grew older his interests shifted and it wasn’t very important to him. Then, one day, seemingly out of blue he came out to show us this fantastic drawing he had been working on. You see, at night when I thought he was asleep he was up teaching himself to draw. He would stay up WAY later than I realized while he practiced the new skill. Now, as a young adult, he still stays up super late. He just happens to be one of those people that is more productive at night. Some days this is tough on him. Especially when he has to take care of things that involve organizations that only operate during what is considered standard business hours. But, he has learned to adjust and manages learning to be an adult just fine.

Sleep needs and preferences vary person to person. If your child is having trouble falling or staying asleep, feel free to contact me. I would love to help.

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