We All Make Mistakes: Confronting ADHD Parenting Guilt - ADHD Parent Coach
Let’s get real for a minute. Parenting is HARD. You have this whole human (or humans) that you are responsible for. And you never really know if what you are doing is the “right” or “wrong” thing. There is so much uncertainty. Now, when you throw something as complex as ADHD in the mix, things get WILD. I can’t even begin to tell you how many nights I stayed up just obsessing over decisions or conversations or comments that had happened either during that day or even months before. And let’s not even talk about how distracting this can be during a workday.
Being compassionate toward my son eventually came pretty easy to me (most of the time). Showing that same compassion to myself…that took MUCH longer. The first step to learning how to deal with my “Mom Guilt” was to list it out. So, here are five things that I needed to face before I could ever consider moving on to forgiving myself.
#1 I didn’t understand how his brain worked.
You would think that as an adult with ADHD, understanding my son’s struggles would just come naturally. To quote my dad, “Well, that’s what you get for thinking.” LOL
When I was growing up ADHD was not commonly talked about or diagnosed like it is today. There were times when I was a teenager and my parents would joke, “If it ADD were a ‘thing’ when you were a kid, you could have been the poster child.” By that time my grades were good, I had (sort of) stopped getting in trouble in school and seemed to be functioning fine. And we all just left the conversation there.
So, when my middle son was initially diagnosed, we tried medication to help him. None of us were happy with it, so he stopped using it. Around this time, I was also diagnosed. My attitude at the time was, “Well, I have learned to function just fine with ADHD so he can too.” We just kept going on without addressing it much.
Fast forward about 10 years and my youngest son was having major problems both at home and school. He was also diagnosed with ADHD. And, to be honest, his situation was so different from his brother’s that I didn’t believe it. Well, I did believe that ADHD was part of how he was wired, but I was convinced that there must have been something else going on. It wasn’t until after multiple tests and specialists and medications that I came to terms with the fact that it was “only ADHD”.
That is when I decided to take a deep dive into how his (our) nervous system works. When I started connecting the dots and seeing patterns, I was literally speechless. Not only was I able to understand my youngest son’s behavior better, but I was also able to see so many things I had never considered about my older sons as well as myself.
And the guilt hit me like a wave. If I had only taken the time to learn a little more or listen better or just pay attention, I could have saved them so much hurt and frustration. Just a little research could have helped my older children so much and I could have helped my younger son that much earlier.
#2 I used the wrong parenting style
I understood that my parents’ decisions weren’t perfect. Also, growing up I heard enough stories to understand that the methods they used with me weren’t exactly the same as their parents had used with them. But the underlying philosophy was the same. Bad behavior needs to be punished. Good behavior, rewarded. The focus was on the actions I was taking. And all actions have consequences. The idea of why I did something was only lightly addressed. And it was usually talked about in terms of, “What were you thinking?”
So, when I had kids, I focused on the same thing. I knew how I wanted my kids to behave. And when they didn’t behave according to my standards, there were consequences. Punishment. Lectures. And LOTS of yelling. By the time my youngest son was born, his brothers were 13 and 10. I was very proud of the young men my older kids were becoming, so I assumed that my parenting style was “working” and continued it with my 3rd son. Punishment, lectures, yelling. When that didn’t work, did I change how I did things? Nope. I just doubled down. Harsher punishments, longer lectures, more yelling. When that didn’t work, I added a few new tricks, but still using that same style.
This is the hardest for me to admit, but I even tried to use his love for me against him. “Don’t you realize that when you act like this, it makes me feel terrible? You are making me feel like a failure as a parent.”
Talk about unhealthy! What kind of loving mom puts that responsibility on her kid? The shame on that one goes deep. And to be honest, I am still haven’t totally forgiven myself for that. But this is a blog about guilt, right? So, there it is.
#3 I caused his anxiety
ADHD rarely exists by in isolation. The vast majority of people with ADHD also have a “buddy” that tags along. Most often it is anxiety, both chronic and social. Then there is depression. Often as teens and young adults you will see things like over-use of substances, risky behaviors like speeding, gambling, sexual risks, etc. It can get messy.
The root of feeling anxious is when someone doesn’t feel safe. A kid with ADHD is pretty much constantly being told that they are doing, saying, acting “wrong”. This happens in school, with friends, family, sports teams…pretty much everywhere. Of course, when he did something “wrong”, my only option was a negative consequence at home, right? (see the above paragraph).
What I didn’t understand was that all I was doing was making things worse. He never felt safe anywhere or around anyone. Naturally, he began to believe the negative things he was hearing. And worse, he began creating his own “I am a bad person” conversations within his own head.
He started doing that so young and the beliefs became so strong that no amount of “I am proud of you” drowned it out.
So, he lived his life in fear.
And when I say “He”, I actually mean “they”. All 3 of my boys suffer from some form of anxiety. For one it looks like an obsession with following every rule, everywhere. For another, it looks like discomfort around his peers. For another it is anger. It is all anxiety.
#4 What about my other kids?
Life changes all the time, right? And so do I.
I was 21 when I had my first son. After failing out of college, I was dipping my toes into going back to school. My husband was finishing his education while working full-time. We were so broke that, I couldn't even afford to work when I tried. (Childcare cost more than I could earn).
At 24, when I had my second son, I was starting my last year of school. We had just bought our first home and I had dreams, plans and ambitions. I was also living in a town with a population of less than 3,000 people and 14 hours away from any family and friends. I knew we would have to move and soon.
By the time my 3rd son was born, I was 34. We were living near family and friends. I owned my own business, and my other kids were older. This was going to be the easy one, right?
“The easiest way to make sure God laughs is to make a plan.”
Every day that I was emotionally drained from my 4-yr-old, was a day I wasn’t listening to my 14-yr-old. Each day I spent at school trying to help my 7-yr-old, was a day I wasn’t aware of what my 20-yr-old was going through.
Each new thing I try with my youngest son is something I “should” have tried with my oldest. Every time I let my youngest just rant and yell, I remember telling my middle son to stop being so dramatic.
I love how I get to use my older kids comments of, “You never did that with me.” as an opportunity to have a conversation about what I have learned.
I hate the unspoken feeling of, “If only I would have started this work sooner your life would have been easier. I am sorry.”
#5 Am I just enabling him?
I have spent the past 4 years researching how the ADHD-based nervous system works. Books and lectures. Groups and podcasts. I have also spent the past several years on my own personal transformation journey. And, I have totally changed my approach to parenting.
You would think with all of the money and time I have spent, I would be over this issue by now, right?
Here is the bottom line. My youngest son is doing really well! My relationship with my older kids and my husband has never been better. I feel more comfortable in my own skin than I ever have before and look forward to it getting better.
So, all is well in my world, right?
WRONG!!
I still second guess myself. What if I am not preparing my son for the harsh realities of the “real world”? Will not putting expectations on my middle child means he will never test his own limits? Will letting my oldest son continue on his own path lead to his unhappiness?
Am I using all of this great information in a way that is helping them learn to love and accept their unique nervous systems, or I am just enabling them?
I don’t have answer to that question. But what I do know is that once I began to accept my sons as they are, rather than fight to change them, I was able to love them in a way that I never had before. One of the most powerful surprises has been watching how quickly my acceptance of them led to them learning to accept themselves. And that is everything to me!
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