What Is The Key To A Successful School Year? | ADHD Parent Coach
I am going to be honest; this time of year isn’t my favorite. Sure, summer has its own challenges, but “back to school” requires a lot of self-coaching. Just seeing school supplies at the store sends my brain spinning.
There is a certain amount of dread I feel at the beginning of each school year. What kind of teachers will he have this year? What if the classwork is too much and he starts having meltdowns again? What if that “one teacher” moved to his grade? You know the one. The teacher that thinks you can punish the ADHD out of your kid.
This year is especially worrying for me. He is entered the dreaded Middle School years. It can be such an awkward time for all kids. They are in that uncomfortable state of transitioning from “little kid” to teenager. Plus they are experiencing all of the hormone changes that come along at this age. The under-developed Executive Functions with an ADHD-based nervous system can make this transition even more awkward.
While all of this is going through my brain, I am also planning for a meeting I am having next week with his teachers. Even though we have this meeting every year, it still brings up some anxiety. How am I supposed to explain the best way to manage his unique way of processing the world within a system that doesn’t allow for what he needs? It can feel impossible.
So how do I handle it? My go-to is centered around communication.
You see, the trust my son and I have built over the years means that he is very transparent with me about what goes on at school – both the good and the bad.
On the surface, that seems like the solution to all of our problems, right? He is willing to share every part of his day with me so there shouldn’t be any surprises.
Unfortunately, when he is the only person telling me what is going on I am only getting part of the story.
IS HE LYING?
The easy answer is absolutely not. He is telling me what happened during his day, through his eyes.
This is how it plays out. He comes home and tells me about a little “rough spot” that happened during the day. Then he ends it with “But we worked everything out, so it is all good now.”
Sadly, sometimes that isn’t true. Things aren’t “all good”. The next day he comes home with punish-work or detention, or I am getting called into meetings about “serious behavioral issues.”
These situations used to frustrate me so much! My immediate thought was that he was lying to me. And not only could I not get him to stop lying, but we would end up in a major argument. He would insist that he was telling me the truth and that the “whole world” was just against him or making stuff up.
The end result was both of us in tears, his getting punished at home and me drowning in guilt.
Luckily, my own journey with coaching has shown me a different way of looking at things.
He is telling me the truth. He is telling me HIS truth.
You see, each of us experiences the world through a filter. That filter is made up of our past experiences, expectations, and emotions. So, each of us sees the world very differently. From his perspective, he was telling the exact truth. The truth as he saw things through his filter.
Now, I have learned a new way of handling these surprise situations. When they happen, I don’t automatically launch into accusing him. I explain to him what the school is telling me. Then we talk about how or why they may see things differently than he does. It doesn’t stop him from feeling upset. However, he is learning to recognize how something he might consider minor could be important to someone else.
Instead of tears and punishment, we talk. I give him permission to feel angry or disappointed or sad. Then we end with something along the lines of, “Well now you know what to look for next time. If you find yourself in a similar situation, you can make a different choice.”
ARE HIS TEACHERS ACTUALLY TARGETING HIM?
For kids with ADHD, it can feel like the whole world is set up against them. And, in a way, I agree with you.
The system is designed around a very large (and unrealistic) set of “norms”. Not only that, but the whole idea is covered in my least favorite word – SHOULD. You know what I am talking about. “Students in this grade should be able to…” or “By this age, expectations are…”
There are certain degrees of movement away from “normal” that are tolerated. But for a kiddo with an ADHD-based nervous system, what they are capable of doing changes constantly. They have a difficult time integrating things like motivation, rewards, time management, etc.
Often, they have no idea how far they can deviate. And in some cases, they absolutely do not understand why they are in trouble every day when the classmate sitting next to them is doing the same things but never gets corrected. Their only conclusion is that his teacher “hates” him.
While there are teachers out there that have no sympathy for children with differently-wired brains, the vast majority are not that way. In fact, many are probably more lenient than you would be.
So, what are you supposed to do?
Remember the “filters” in the previous section? Well, teachers have them too.
I am pretty sure most kids believe their teachers are some strange alien creatures put here to torture them. LOL
The reality is, that teachers are just as human as he is. And, as an adult, that teacher’s filter is much more complex than his own.
When he starts with “She just hates me and blames me for everything, even when I didn’t do anything wrong”, I let him talk. It is important for him to feel heard. Then we talk through various “what if” scenarios. “What if she didn’t see the whole thing?” or “What if he was having a bad day too, so was impatient?”
This does not magically change his mind. And, let’s be honest, my son used to have some serious behavior problems in school. So, his teachers often expect him to be the one causing trouble. This has led to wrong assumptions. What these conversations do, however, is open his mind to the possibility that his teacher isn’t targeting him. It is teaching him how he can take a moment to try to see the world from a different perspective. It is slowly teaching him compassion.
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