You Don’t Have To Change Your Child To Help With His ADHD | ADHD Parent Coach

For a very long time, I didn’t believe there was another way. Seriously, when it came to helping my son to function in a world that isn’t “ADHD Friendly” I thought my only option was to work to change him.

Medication, therapy, nutrition, etc. were all presented as a way to change him and how his brain works. But that approach caused 2 different problems for me. The first was that we spent years (and a ton of money) looking for a combination of approaches and couldn’t find one that helped him. Sure, there were certain improvements in certain behaviors, but they had a downside. They dulled some of the best parts of who he is.

Which leads me to the second part. I love him exactly the way he is designed. But, the more we worked on trying to find ways to “fix” his ADHD, the more he was convinced that something was wrong with him. He was convinced that his brain was “broken” and that he would be miserable forever because he couldn’t change.

After a bedtime conversation about how “God should never have let me be born”, I knew we needed to find another way. And, if I couldn’t find a way to help him…then I was just going to have to create one.

I didn’t set out to help other parents or other kids. I didn’t even expect to learn something that would help my older, teenage kids. I just became committed to finding a way to help my second-grade son become a happier and healthier human, whatever that happened to look like.

Accept

The first thing I did when I made the commitment to do something different was to take DEEP dive into what ADHD is (and isn’t). I knew that I couldn’t help him unless I first understood how his nervous system worked. Sure, I had learned a little from the Doctors and my experience with the older 2 kids. But I never took the time to really research what it is that makes the ADHD nervous system work.

And that is exactly where I start with my clients. We talk a lot about how their children process the world. Part of what makes ADHD hard to explain to others is that it presents itself differently in each person. And no, there aren’t “degrees” of ADHD. Some of the symptoms may be more inconvenient in school than other ones. But there is no such thing as “a little bit ADHD”.  Your child either has this type of nervous system or doesn’t. What makes it vary so much from person to person is that each of us experiences the world based on our own unique experiences. So, we start by exploring what the nervous system is and how having a differently wired brain affects how your child sees and experiences the world.

This allows you, as a parent, to begin to understand that the behavior “problems” your child is having aren’t actually a problem. Behavior is just a form of communication. That behavior you are fighting over is just a sign of something else – a lagging skill, a fear, environmental sensitivity. Your child’s past experiences, both positive and negative, will dictate how they express themselves. If they got positive attention for doing something silly, they will try to make others laugh. If they get in trouble for “asking too many questions”, they may be afraid to ask for help. 

That is why acceptance is the first step to true transformation. Once you can calmly see the behavior for what it is, then you begin to learn how to effectively help your child. It is a normal and very human reaction for us as parents to take our children’s behavior personally. Maybe we think that they are acting that way on purpose to annoy us. Maybe we think that they are deliberately breaking rules. Or maybe we feel that our inadequacies as a parent lead to this particular situation. But the reality is that your child’s behavior is none of that. What they are doing (or not doing) is simply a reaction to what is going on inside of their own head and heart. They aren’t trying to make your life more difficult. They are simply having a hard time and are expressing themselves in the best way they how.

So how do you do that? You become aware of your own emotions. When you can take your own emotions out of the situation, then you can transition from the “hurt parent” to your child’s guide and teacher. As simple as this process sounds it isn’t always easy, right?

This step falls into the category of “A simple Hard”. It is not a complicated idea to understand, but it can be difficult to implement. But the cool thing is, you don’t have to figure this out alone.

I have spent several years learning, practicing, and teaching other parents how to do this and I can help you too. So, please reach out and let’s talk. You aren’t helpless and you don’t have to feel hopeless. There is another way.

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